June '05

True Worship

by Phoenix11664 aka Josh

I.

I stand before you naked.

You bid me close my eyes.

I can hear the sound of rubber bands being stretched.

The sting I feel in the middle of my chest is impossible.

How can something so small, so simple, produce that much pain?

The pain glows. It ripples,

And, after a moment,

It hurts even worse than when rubber first met skin.

I try not to flinch

or anticipate

as I hear you behind me,

the rubber being stretched.

Two swats to each cheek.

The pain burns like nothing I can remember.

This is not like the lighter,

where I can say, “Red!” and the pain goes away.

My shallow breath and the hot tears running down my face

say what I can’t bring myself to speak.

“Please stop.”

You tell me to stay. I stand in place,

eyes closed, tears falling, blushing with shame.

When you return, I feel ice cubes dancing on my skin. The pain ebbs.

I feel your cool breath blowing on me and your reassuring touch.

You ask why I am crying.

I say, “Because I am weak. I wanted to take more for you. But it hurts so much.”

“Come with me,” you say. You lead me to the bathroom, to the mirror.

“Look,” you whisper.

I look at my reflection and see the welts and the deep shades of red,

and I smile.

I am so proud of myself.

II.

You lead me back to the couch.

You bid me kneel.

You look into my eyes,

first tenderly, then strictly.

“If something hurts, you are to tell me.

Anything you do for me out of duty

instead of desire, is negated.

You only worship me by wanting to worship me.”

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